Consensual Sex or was it …. Rape?

The recent Kasliwal episode set off a train of thought in me.

For those who have come in late, 26 year old Abhishek Kasliwal, the scion of the Kasliwal Khandaan, has been accused of the rape of a 52 year old woman. He is alleged to have offered her a lift at 2.30 am, driving her to his Mill compound in Worli instead of Mumbai Central Station, consuming alcohol along with her and then repeatedly raping her.

To make matters worse for him unconfirmed reports state that another lady, this time a call centre employee, has also accused him of raping her on the Mumbai-Pune highway.

In the past 24 hours we have had some other interesting characters joining the act and there have also been some flip flops by the victim, but without going to each one of them, if Kasliwal is indeed guilty of these crimes then he should be punished as severely as possible. Women face enough problems in India without rich, spoilt brats adding to them just because they could not keep their testosterone under control.

Oddly enough, however, my attention and my thought process was not focused on the alleged rape but wandered off in the direction of what the Defence had to say. “It was sex by consent.” That was the argument. Without going into the merits of the case I needed to figure out: when precisely does sex by consent turn into rape? And how exactly do you define consent? Is it given verbally? Is it on the basis of physical cues? Is it based on emotional cues? And what is the window of time, for consent given to be withdrawn?

These questions might sound incongruous in this day and age when crimes against women are getting common place and worse still are going unpunished but, really, how does one define CONSENT.

Let’s say, for argument’s sake that I am bowled over by this lady and decide to make love to her. And for some unfathomable reason believe that the lady in question will have no objection to “doing it” with me.

Not that it is likely to happen. We all know that women are not exactly queuing up outside my house to have sex with me. But then again maybe she is doing it to win a dare. Whatever! She is game.

I invite her to my small yet elegantly! done up flat, put on some romantic music, order dinner, have a sparkling!! witty!!! meaningful!!!! soul-stirring (more!!!!) conversation and by and by she falls under the mesmeric spell cast by me and gets to the point where making love seems the most logical outcome even to her.

In the cold light of the day when I tend to lose my attractiveness, she wakes up, takes one long look at me and decides: Oh! God, what a humungous error. She storms out swearing that she had not bargained for the evening to have gone all the way.

Would this be consensual sex where the lady in question has made an error in judgement? Or would it be rape?

Now I understand an unambiguous NO. I respect that. But seriously, what I want to know is when can a lady say no?

Before the act?
In the run up to the act?
During the act?
After the act?When is it OK for her to complain?

And how do I prove that sex was consensual?

Is there a declaration form that has to be filled in and signed by both parties to prove that I am in the clear? Just a bit confused here.

If the lady says no; but thanks to my incessant pleading, pleading mind you, not threats not physical assault; the lady agrees to what Liv Tyler famously called a “sympathy hump” could she change her mind later? And get me into trouble?

When, even in the throes of passion, the lady sticks with her decision that petting is just how far she is willing to go and no further and that penetrative sex is definitely not on then it is a very clear, very unambiguous message. It is a let down but one accepts it. Like a gentleman. If one did not pay heed to this unambiguous NO and went ahead nevertheless then that is undoubtedly rape.

But if she too goes with the flow of things and then in a gush of remorse decides that she was cajoled/coerced into it then it is grossly unfair.

A big girl should take responsibility for her actions. Not say, “Oh! I did not know that just because he offered me a lift at 2.30 am, drove me to his Mill compound instead of Mumbai Central Station and plied me with alcohol, he had sex on his mind.”

Mind you, I defend a lady’s right to travel at the time of her choosing, will defend her choice of beverages, and will defend, in general, her right to make her lifestyle choices. Defend them to death. But with freedom should also come a degree of awareness of the danger(s) involved.
Am I trivializing the very serious issue of rape and crime against women? I hope to God that this post is not taken in that manner. Because I am not.

Especially not when Navi Mumbai is reeling under violence triggered off by some drunken lunatics who harassed a lady who did not wish to play Holi. Especially not when one reads of minors being raped by their guardians. Especially not when today there is another instance of teen rape reported in the newspapers.

Once again I am not trivializing the issue of rape just that I am trying to look at the other side. After all justice should be impartial should it not?